Open Letter: I Dislike Golf Clothes

Credits: Photo - Anonymous, Styling - Sarah G. Schmidt, Location - Queen Elizabeth

While I am no insider, I have spent more time playing and following your sport than I ever thought I would. The things you do for the ones you love, am I right? Fore! I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the hugest fan of yours. I’m not sure I’m even a fan of the way you play, really. Hear me out.

An average eighteen holes of you is upwards of five playing hours. Plus one has to get to and from the course - which can be in the far reaching edges of metros or way, way out in the boonies. Conservatively, eighteen holes of playing you is a consecutive six-hour commitment. Other than binge watching Netflix every once in a while, there are very few things I’d like to do for six plus hours straight in my waking hours.

Starting at a time deficit, I also find the actual rules and culture to be a bit silly. But what sport isn’t when you break it down to the actual play by play. Oversimplifying and diminishing your structure not my point; my point is that it takes a long time and I’m not super into it, compared to other things, so I know I’m going to be biased when I say the following childish declaration:

Your clothing sucks.

Sorry. But not really sorry.

Why does it suck? To me it can be shaken down to three arguments. One: it doesn’t flatter. Two: it’s made of mostly drab, synthetic fibres. Three: it lacks variety.

While I do appreciate the need for you to have a uniform like any other fitness activity, why does it have to be boxy tops and shorts that chunk up legs? It’s not a flattering cut or hem length. Yes a pant hem that reaches past the knee is an improvement. So too are the borrowed-from-tennis skirts. But it’s not enough for me. Overall your uniform still makes the body appear frumpy. Don’t get me started on visors.

Next, the synthetic show-every-hair-layer-and-lump fabric is such an attraction duller. I get that the material has to perform, but what about good old linen? Brushed cotton? Thin wool? Could we try that? A little stiffness to a fabric goes a long way in flattering bodies, you know. Too much stretch is not my happy place.

Third, the lack of variety is such a bore. Please don’t try and tell me that an orange polo is so different from a purple one. Swapping one for the other is not a style transformation. From what I have observed your choices - in the same type of fabric mostly - are slacks, shorts, skirts, polo shirts (short sleeve, long sleeve, or gasp, sleeveless) and that’s about it. Strips and solids. There's no customization. Honestly, I get more style vibes from the caddies in boiler suits than my fellow players.

Sure, maybe I’m being a jerk. Just blabbering on about your chosen apparel and being overly negative. But like a lot of things you’ll see on my blog, it’s more than just the clothing.

Perhaps my lackluster piss poor attitude runs deeper. There are worrisome economic indicators as well. Canadian reports note that there are more of your courses per person than nearly anywhere else in the world. The same report says player numbers are down so it’s not just me. To add insult to injury, your North American apparel sales are down too. In other words there’s plenty of fish in the sea, less people are fishing, and less are buying.

So suck it golf. You’re losing money and style points. This little birdie thinks your clothes are bogey.