What's My Deal With Shorts?

Credits: Photo - Anonymous, Styling - Sarah G. Schmidt, Location - Queen Elizabeth School


I’ve been told I think about certain things too much. I believe there’s a lot of truth to that. Let’s be clear: no one is saying that I am especially wise in my in-depth thinking, rather, it’s what certain things I spend my time thinking about that may be interesting.

For the last little bit I’ve been spending way too long trying to figure out why I’m not a huge personal fan of shorts. Don’t get me wrong, if they are baggy and to my knee and lower, I’m all in. Same goes for a ultra short shorts. There’s just something dangerous about the bum grazing length that I love. As for the more sensible length between knee and crotch, I’ll pass.

For example, if the hem is above my knee and a more slimming silhouette, say a khaki or a scalloped cut, I’m not into it. And like the saying that supposed to let us down gently in a breakup situation, “It’s not you (shorts), it’s me.” Cue the groans.

Often times when I go somewhere warm, my travel companions will laugh when I tell them I didn’t bring any shorts with me. Rather, I’ll pack dresses, long culottes, or baggy cropped pants. You likely won’t find a pair of sport shorts or *cute* shorts in my bag on any trip. It’s the garment I have the least of in my closet. To put that into perspective here's some real talk: I have twice as many sunglasses as I have shorts.

What's going on? Do I have some repressed memory that would answer this seemingly random disdain? The more I sit on it, I’ve come up with a few theories, none of which are likely worthy of sharing, that is, unless there is a person out there who is thinking way too much about shorts too. This is for you, Boo. Welcome to my nonsense brain guck dump.

Theory One: I don’t like shorts because I consider them pant accidents?

Did anyone set out to actually make shorts?

Did shorts simply happen when someone got too hot in pants and the scissors came out?

Are shorts the right solution for keeping cool?

Theory Two: I don’t like shorts because the hem length is too finicky?

I like them below the knee and the ultra short hot pant variety, but everywhere in between is wasted on me. Why, though?

Who decided what length to hem them up to?

Why don’t more people get them altered to flatter their unique - and banging - body?

Theory Three: I don’t like shorts because they aren’t comfortable?

If you do choose a slimmer leg that’s above the knee, don’t you find them uncomfortable? For me they ride up and bunch. Not good at all for me.

Am I deterred because skin direct-on-chair contact is not a fun thing? Why do skirts get a Sarah style pass?

Do people with amazing legs like shorts more than your average legged people? Sort of like, “Takes one to know one?”

Theory Four: I don’t like shorts because they too common - aka: basic - for me to enjoy?

Are shorts the great fashion equalizer as there are options for nearly everyone? If so, is that why they are boring to me? I don’t find jeans boring so why do shorts take the bulk of my criticism?

Does the utility of them make them too practical for my flippant style sense?

Is it a case of my “If everyone else is wearing them, I don’t want to” contrarian BS?

I'm a mess. Turns out, after this super scientific study, shorts are fine. Really they are. I’m the a–hole for questioning their shine and shame on me for not getting it. A fun fact is that like them way more on other people than I ever do when looking at myself in a mirror. Go figure.

As I age, I realize as YOLO of a dresser as I am, I certainly am firmly set in my personal taste. That’s as groundbreaking of inside scoop as much as the use of florals in spring issues of fashion magazines, hey Miranda/Anna? When dressing myself, I like bits of a bunch of things but rarely all of the things in a given category.

Knowing it’s not always about me I must share something that I think a lot of stylists and personal shoppers come up against. A sort of attempt at myth busting perhaps. Just because it’s MY style, it does not mean I want it to be YOUR style. In fact, it shouldn’t. Style can be - at its best - as personal as your favourite song or your Netflix account. When it comes to clients, I am so lucky to help them find the things that they love. Often those are very different as we are very different. I love that it’s different. Cute, right?

Dressing is like a buffet. Take what you like and don’t worry about your neighbours plate. While a client and me may both take a spaghetti bolognese (midi length skirt) and extra helpings of kale caesar salad (button down blouses), I’ll pass on the prime rib (Bermuda shorts) - thank you very much - and go straight for something more me. Let's say the not-for-everyone olive bar (sack dress).

To all the short stans out there, what am I missing? Are shorts the thing?