Why Does Unsolicited Judgement Hold So Much Power Over Us?
Fashion friends: do you fear being judged for what you wear? “Who doesn’t?” you may think. I’m here to tell you: I don’t. More accurately, I make a conscious effort to care less and less about external feedback. And can I share how emotionally liberating that is?
Western society is obsessed with judgement. “Who’s making good style choices… why is this person wearing that… oh don’t be so judgy wudgy it’s just clothes…” are phrases I hear every day over socials. I believe criticism is a way to work through how we personally feel about a given topic. People talk to process. That said, I think we forget to rank the value of criticism and critics. Maybe what your beer box t shirt wearing cousin says about your outfit matters less than say your stylish bestie?
An idea has been rumbling and rolling around in my head for months and I think the rough draft headline is something like,
“When we know external judgment is inevitable, unvaluable, and mostly uncalled for, why do we give it so much internal power?”
How or maybe more curiously why do we give power to others instead of holding it for ourselves? I’ve heard various versions of “I wish people were less judgemental” more times than I can count. I rarely hear, “I wish I had tools for letting go of unwanted feedback.” One is an external focus, the other is internal.
I think there’s something too in the fool’s-errand-type-desire to be considered a “good person” based on your choices. Perhaps we attach the idea of “being good” as being free from judgement. If you’re a good person than you can’t be found in the wrong. Like, why judge the actions of that really good person? But that logic is flawed to me for two huge reasons:
There is no universal “good person” as we are all flawed and very few living people are beloved by all. There’s no such thing for we mere mortals. You can’t win that one.
Aside from the court, afterlife gatekeeping for those who believe, and RuPaul’s Drag Race, there are no real judgement panels for day-to-day life. No one actually is giving out “good” and “bad” scores for what you choose wear to the grocery store. (Though I do wish everyday runways could be a thing like flash mobs in movies.)
No one – aside from the odd serial killer – actually wants to be a “bad person.” While not all of us can be Dolly Parton level “good” we are all out here trying. So if we accept that most folks are trying to do their best and that everybody’s best is different perhaps we could ease up on ourselves?
Aside from the gods, of course it would be awesome if we were all less judgemental. But that is scary to me as you’re choosing to put your precious effort into an external thing happening. One would have to wait for that. Tick tock, tick, tock... What happens if that doesn’t come to fruition?
I think it wiser to spend energy and effort into working through building yourself up and learning how to like yourself more and more. The ultimate goal is to not rely on the validation of others. Rather, doing it – wearing it - for your damn self.
Getting back to clothing specifically, I urge you to take back the power of choosing what items live in your own closets. Clothes are simple objects until they have a person to wear them. They rely on you. They are the tool, you are the artist. Clothes are used to protect and express oneself. That’s it. And that’s everything.
Wear the silly pants…
Wear the beautiful but uncomfortable shoes…
Purge said uncomfortable shoes…
Wear whatever you actually want…
Of course I know that personal style and clothing communicates. Of course I have my personal preferences on what constitute a look worth looking at. And of course fashions ever changing, rapid pace can be daunting. All that being true, I still doesn’t change the fact that the person wearing the clothes should be the final judgement of the value of their own clothes.
When there is alignment in how you choose to dress and what that communicates to others that is the sartorial sweet spot. But it is none of your business if people you don’t know don’t like it or get it. It’s not for them. It’s for you. You can learn to reject the judgement of others and free yourself.
If I can instill one thing it would be to avoid listening deeply to unsolicited advice from people you don’t respect their specific opinion. Work on purging their unwanted ideas from you. You wouldn’t take business advice from someone who has bankrupted multiple companies, so please don’t take fashion advice from people you don’t respect their point of view. Just because someone is saying it, doesn’t mean it’s for you. Simple.
Subject matter expert or expert opinion should mean something to you. You decide who your experts are when it comes to clothes. If that purging of people includes me, giver. I’m thrilled you’re lightening your load by cutting me out. I could be so lucky. Truly.
